Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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