Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
