happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
