Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
