You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
She's the barista slut.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
