I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
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I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
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I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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