Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
how does that bad decision feel?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
