fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
