you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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