I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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