I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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