Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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