Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
