I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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