Umm I'm too high to move.
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
