In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Randomize
