The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
