so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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