I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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