Capitaan dildo arrescate!
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
