how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
sarcasm needs its own font
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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