mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
don't judge my taste in strippers
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
