how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize