The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
