new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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