you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
