And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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