1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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