I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
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I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
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True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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