after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
