I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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