the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize