her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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