grandma shit on top of the toilet
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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