dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
