Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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