i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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