he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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