I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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