She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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