Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
