Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
