is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
