i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
