Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
