Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
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She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
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you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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