it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
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