listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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