I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
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That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
It's blow job season.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
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