I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
