can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
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There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
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...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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