I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
