I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
