My liver just broke up with me...
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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